Holly Writes Sex and Sexuality (at Fascinations!): BDSM and Safe Words
A few months ago, after that whole EdenFantasys fiasco went down and several people, including myself, were banned from the site, I hooked up with the superbly awesome Shanna Katz who is the Online Media Specialist for Fascinations. Shortly after, I began reviewing kick ass sex toys for Fascinations and while in discussions about that, she also brought up the idea of me writing some articles for the Fascinations sex ed section. I can’t tell you how fast I jumped on that. Oh wait, yes I can–very, very fast. Incredibly fast. So fast that it took me approximately seven seconds to send an email back with a very enthusiastic (well, as enthusiastic you can be in text anyway) yes. Yes.
And so I started writing about sex and sexuality. I haven’t written much, just a few articles so far with quite a few more ideas jiggling around up there in that brain of mine that I have yet to sit down and type out. After writing a few articles, working through ideas for a few more and pitching some other ideas for the go-ahead to start writing them, it became very clear what I would mostly be writing about, and that would be BDSM.
BDSM essentially breaks down into bondage, discipline, domination, submission and sado-masochism. While the feminist blogosphere and community at large like to think they are educating and encouraging people to explore their sexuality in a safe, responsible manner that fulfills them, I think there is a severe lack of discussion on BDSM when it comes to sexuality and sex-positivity. There’s a lot of reasons for this, primarily because of the amount of negativity that has already been attached to BDSM and also because of the gross misconception that strong, independent women cannot or should not find immense happiness and fulfillment by allowing another person to dominate them. But that’s a discussion for a whole other article–an article that I actually plan on writing soon, so I’ll let you all know just as soon as something comes of that.
For now though, I wanted to share with you all one of my articles that was recently published over in the sex education section at Fascinations, Defining Safe Words and How to Choose One. Here’s a taste:
A safe word is a word, or phrase if you prefer, that has been previously talked about and agreed upon that when said, will immediately bring a scene to an end without anything being left up to interpretation. Safe words are important, and in my opinion, absolutely necessary. It does not matter whether you have a long-term partner that you trust completely or are just starting out with someone new; safe words keep everyone involved safe, comfortable, and secure in knowing that at all times, the other person is fully consenting to what is going on.
The reason why safe words exist and why people who engage in BDSM insist upon having one is because it is easy for the words “ouch”, “stop”, and “no” to slip out without really wanting your partner to stop what they are doing. In a considerably “normal” sexual encounter, when a person says “no” for any reason, it is meant for the person that they are with to stop what they are doing and if they fail to stop, then that is called sexual assault and that is a crime. When it comes to BDSM, or really any sexual encounter where you have communicated to your partner that you may not want them to stop as part of play or fantasy—even if you tell them to or when you say “no,” that is when your previously agreed upon safe word will come to save the day. Again, if you do not use your safe word throughout your encounter, you will be letting your partner know that you are comfortable, feel safe, and are consenting to what they are doing. It is for that reason that I think that the use of safe words are tremendously important and non-negotiable; they must be implemented for the safety of everyone involved and they must be respected and adhered to at all times.
Related Posts:
2 Comments Leave a Comment
Leave a Reply
Sex-Positivity
I'm passionate about sex-positivity and believe every sexual being should have the freedom to explore their sexuality safely and without condemnation. I even lost my ad network after my refusal to censor myself after reviewing feminist porn.So if you're in the market for sex toys, porn, books, etc. take a look at the retailers below, all of which are feminist-friendly.
Out Campaign
The OUT Campaign allows individuals to let others know they are not alone. It can also be a nice way of opening a conversation and help to demolish the negative stereotypes of atheists. Let the world know that we are not about to go away and that we are not going to allow those that would condemn us to push us into the shadows.
Hi Holly, I read your article over on Fascinations and appreciate the timeliness of this topic. Actually, humorously enough, I headed over to your blog today expressly because sadomasochism in modern society has been on my mind this week. First off, let me say that “yellow” has long been my stop or “safe” word when playing with sexual partners. Your suggestion is perfect. As for your comment above: “While the feminist blogosphere and community at large like to think they are educating and encouraging people to explore their sexuality in a safe, responsible manner that fulfills them, I think there is a severe lack of discussion on BDSM when it comes to sexuality and sex-positivity.” This has been on my mind a lot lately, in thinking about how sadomasochism appears to be (re)gaining popularity in recent years. In fact, I stumbled across some titles of films of an extreme nature pertaining to this concern and am seriously weirded out by all their “fans” on review sites. I would SERIOUSLY recommend nobody watch the films I’ve listed on my own blog (link below), for fear of you losing a chunk of your soul in the process — the reviews tell enough:http://wakemenow.wordpress.com/2010/09/13/a-film-not-to-watch/Not trying to plug my little blog, just not wanting to post the titles on your blog, out of respect.What really bothers me is that we hear more about sex than love, more about fucking than intimacy, and the sex we’re being shown in the media, in movies and in porns is increasingly violent, detached, sadistic, and fetishistic. But it’s not a new trend; it dates back several decades in the U.S. (Europe turns out to be waayyy ahead of us on perverted and depraved films, particularly France
) and is recorded in cultural pockets going far back into history (think: Marquis de Sade). I’m curious where we’re going with all of this violence and alienation. So much of it is novelty, a curious, temporary interest for most of us. But the problem is you don’t usually figure it out until after you’ve gone down the rabbit hole and learned experientially, and by then marks have been left on your psyche and you are not the same. Even if the experiences had weren’t perceived as particularly negative, it doesn’t matter — corruption can happen regardless of whether we take notice.This saddens me very much, Holly. As a lover of love and humaneness, it’s distressing to think how cruel we’re being to one another. Much of our gender relation problems result from a sense of alienation while attempting to adjust to a brand-new way of life, an unprecedented reality, living in modern times — further complicated by a lengthy patriarchal past, a collective losing of our religions, destruction of cultures and traditions, disinterest in and falsification of history, etc. Of course people, men and women especially, are having problems communicating and seeing eye to eye — we live in a world “made” by men, designed in their competitive image, leaving out the “yin” to their “yang.” It’s a real travesty.And then enters the growing popularity of sadomasochism, alienated sex. We like to think we’re having harmless fun “exploring” our sexuality, but are we really? Sure, some of us chose to avoid the grislier side of the possibilities, but even we, I, witnessed plenty to last a lifetime, consensually or not. Personally, I can’t deny having a bit of a domination/submission complex, but don’t most of us who came to age in the ’90s? I wonder if it isn’t so much an inner drive (aside from curiosity) than external pressure from a violence-obsessed and increasingly perverted culture? There’s a lot on my mind at the moment, and I don’t wish to bog down your blog with lengthy posts. Just wanting to say that basically I do agree that a dialogue on the direction of (and reason for) sadomasochism and BDSM is very much needed, now perhaps more than ever.
I would love to have you do post in my blog. I see you doing a whole sexuality section, that would definitely make my site more down to earth, more embraceful to women.