Holly Writes Sex and Sexuality (at Fascinations!): BDSM and Safe Words
A few months ago, after that whole EdenFantasys fiasco went down and several people, including myself, were banned from the site, I hooked up with the superbly awesome Shanna Katz who is the Online Media Specialist for Fascinations. Shortly after, I began reviewing kick ass sex toys for Fascinations and while in discussions about that, she also brought up the idea of me writing some articles for the Fascinations sex ed section. I can’t tell you how fast I jumped on that. Oh wait, yes I can–very, very fast. Incredibly fast. So fast that it took me approximately seven seconds to send an email back with a very enthusiastic (well, as enthusiastic you can be in text anyway) yes. Yes.
And so I started writing about sex and sexuality. I haven’t written much, just a few articles so far with quite a few more ideas jiggling around up there in that brain of mine that I have yet to sit down and type out. After writing a few articles, working through ideas for a few more and pitching some other ideas for the go-ahead to start writing them, it became very clear what I would mostly be writing about, and that would be BDSM.
BDSM essentially breaks down into bondage, discipline, domination, submission and sado-masochism. While the feminist blogosphere and community at large like to think they are educating and encouraging people to explore their sexuality in a safe, responsible manner that fulfills them, I think there is a severe lack of discussion on BDSM when it comes to sexuality and sex-positivity. There’s a lot of reasons for this, primarily because of the amount of negativity that has already been attached to BDSM and also because of the gross misconception that strong, independent women cannot or should not find immense happiness and fulfillment by allowing another person to dominate them. But that’s a discussion for a whole other article–an article that I actually plan on writing soon, so I’ll let you all know just as soon as something comes of that.
For now though, I wanted to share with you all one of my articles that was recently published over in the sex education section at Fascinations, Defining Safe Words and How to Choose One. Here’s a taste:
A safe word is a word, or phrase if you prefer, that has been previously talked about and agreed upon that when said, will immediately bring a scene to an end without anything being left up to interpretation. Safe words are important, and in my opinion, absolutely necessary. It does not matter whether you have a long-term partner that you trust completely or are just starting out with someone new; safe words keep everyone involved safe, comfortable, and secure in knowing that at all times, the other person is fully consenting to what is going on.
The reason why safe words exist and why people who engage in BDSM insist upon having one is because it is easy for the words “ouch”, “stop”, and “no” to slip out without really wanting your partner to stop what they are doing. In a considerably “normal” sexual encounter, when a person says “no” for any reason, it is meant for the person that they are with to stop what they are doing and if they fail to stop, then that is called sexual assault and that is a crime. When it comes to BDSM, or really any sexual encounter where you have communicated to your partner that you may not want them to stop as part of play or fantasy—even if you tell them to or when you say “no,” that is when your previously agreed upon safe word will come to save the day. Again, if you do not use your safe word throughout your encounter, you will be letting your partner know that you are comfortable, feel safe, and are consenting to what they are doing. It is for that reason that I think that the use of safe words are tremendously important and non-negotiable; they must be implemented for the safety of everyone involved and they must be respected and adhered to at all times.
Mississippi’s Message to the World: We Will Erase Young People Who Do Not Conform to Gender Norms
A few months ago, Constance McMillen, a young woman from Mississippi, made international headlines after her school forbade her from attending her prom because she wanted to wear a tuxedo and go with her girlfriend. Rather than letting this young woman attend her prom–something that she was entitled to do as a graduating student of her class–the school issued a statement saying that they were canceling prom for all students; they then ended up sending Constance to a “decoy” prom while most of her other classmates attended the real prom 30 miles away.
In Constance’s case, Itawamba Agricultural High School ultimately paid Constance $35,000, as well as her attorney’s fees and a court entered a judgment against the school. They school also agreed to create a Student Non-Discrimination Act to protect students from discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity.
While most, if not all of us have heard all about the discrimination and just plain hurtful things inflicted upon Constance McMillen by people in authority, apparently news of retribution doesn’t travel very fast in Mississippi since another Mississippi school is openly discriminating against a GLBTQ student. This time, the case is about a Mississippi school feeling that it is well within their rights to erase a student from her yearbook because she does not fit into a traditional and accepted gender stereotype.
Wesson Attendance Center excluded Ceara Sturgis from her senior class yearbook because she wore a tuxedo instead of a drape for her senior portrait.
In the high school yearbook portraits for some schools, all of the boys wear tuxedos and all of the girls wear a drape–a piece of fabric that is draped (ah, I get the name now!) across the chest and is made to look like a dress or nice blouse. Ceara, who is said to have always dressed in clothes that are “traditionally associated with boys,” a remark I could not help but made a very ugly facial expression towards when reading, attempted to pose for her portrait wearing the drape, but felt extremely uncomfortable doing so. She asked her mother to request that she wear a tuxedo instead, which the photographer agreed to. While the photographer didn’t have a problem with Ceara wearing a tuxedo instead of a drape in her portrait, the principal of her school sure did and he told Ceara that he would not allow the photo to be published in the yearbook. Ceara’s mother as well as the ACLU attempted to resolve the issue with Ceara’s senior portrait not appearing in the yearbook quietly, but despite their best efforts, when Ceara received her yearbook, not only was her senior portrait missing, her name was also excluded.
The ACLU has filed a complaint against Copiah County School District in Ceara Sturgis’ name, saying that Title IX, which prohibits discrimination on sex and sex stereotypes, and the Constitution’s 14th Amendment for the guarantee of equal protection, prohibit school officials from forcing students to conform to gender stereotypes.
For a school to downright exclude a member of their student body from something that is indeed a rite of passage for graduating students is appalling, especially when the reasoning behind it is based on nothing but ignorance and bigotry. But close-mindedness can only be used as a reason for discrimination for so long. We teach children when they are toddlers that it is okay to be themselves and that they are going to meet other kids who may be different than they are–and that’s okay. It isn’t such a radical idea to accept someone as they are and to extend to them the same rights that are given to others. Someone please, give the Wesson Attendance Center administration a copy of Free to Be…You and Me. We have some major schooling to do.
Help raise awareness and support for Ceara Sturgis and for equality regardless of gender identity and expression by joining the Facebook support page and contact your legislators and urge them to sign the Student Non-Discrimination Act so GLBTQ students do not have to live in fear of simply being themselves, knowing that at any time they can be openly discriminated against by the very same people they are told they should respect.
Call for Submissions — “Dear Sister” Upcoming Anthology for Survivors of Sexual Violence
I saw the following call for submission posted on Womanist Musings last week and almost immediately after coming across it, asked Renee for permission to re-post it here. The subject matter is most definitely very close to my heart. As a survivor of sexual violence, I really wish I had something like this at my disposal when I had convinced myself that what was truly the breaking down of my pent-up psyche and repressed memories was just me going out of my mind and that there was nothing anyone could do to help me. An anthology like this one would have most definitely saved me years of my life that I went through feeling completely and utterly alone, damaged and withdrawn from the world I felt I just was not ready to go out into.
“Survival is testament of someone’s strength.
Healing is testament of the community surrounding her.” –LFB
Call For Submissions
Dear Sister, edited by Lisa Factora-Borchers, is an anthology of letters and other works created for survivors of sexual violence from other survivors and allies. It is a collection of hope and strength through words and art.
The pathway for a survivor of rape and sexual violence is an unlit road of pain, isolation and doubt. In the weeks, months and oftentimes, years following, the healing process can be difficult to navigate without a community surrounding her. Imagine a compilation of literary arms bound together to offer words of understanding, solidarity and love. Dear Sister is an accessible and inclusive offering of hope, voice and courage; seeking writers and artists who wish to light a piece of that road and lift up other women in her healing.
It is an impossible task to write a letter to every survivor of rape, to every woman who lives with an invisible scar. Instead of thinking of the face of the person you are writing to, reflect on the image of an unlit path, a road with no clear footing. Your offering will be one light, among many, to make visible what was previously unseen, to illuminate what was hidden. You are providing a few more steps for someone to walk steadily toward their own recovery. Your words can be an anchor, a meditation, a prayer, a strong embrace or a gentle touch. The purpose of this anthology is not to retell stories of assault, but to help others regain a sense of balance and wholeness.
Mindfully move beyond what is commonly said and reflect upon radical companionship. Write what you wish for her to know and never forget. And if you lose focus, look deep into a mirror and reflect: What would you want to be told if you were in the darkness?
Information
Dear Sister primarily seeks letters but will accept poems, prose, essay and drawn art that can either be scanned for entry. Maximum word count is 1,000. Deadline for submission is November 1, 2010.
Women and transpeople of any race, creed, background, citizenship or non-citizen, ability and identity are encouraged to submit their words and work to uplift others in the healing stages of post trauma and violence. Both English and Spanish are accepted. All questions can be directed to dearsisteranthology@gmail.com.
Submissions can be emailed as an attachment with “Dear Sister Entry” in the subject to dearsisteranthology@gmail.com.
Hand written letters can be address and mailed to:
Dear Sister Anthology
P.O. Box 202468
Cleveland, OH 44120
Note from the Editor
Rape and sexual violence thrive in the silence of our homes and communities. Outreach must be wide and intentional if we seek to hear from those who are silenced. Please forward this to as many individuals, groups, organizations, listserves, websites and agencies that come to mind.
The Kids Are All Right — A Summer Movie I’m Excited About for all the Right Reasons
Summer movies. Every year we are greeted with essentially the same rundown of events. We see the titles of upcoming movies grabbing headlines from every media outlet around, including blogs, newspapers, magazines and 30-second teaser trailers that pop up on television, blogs, Facebook and other social media sites. We’re told that if we are not super excited and brought down to the level of a hysterical and screaming Twi-hard, we must be missing an essential chromosome in our makeup. We are privy to the secret lives of celebrities as they appear on the covers of magazines with the promise that they will be spilling about their oh so normal lives on the inside. We get lengthier teasers that grow up to be full-length promotional trailers and before we know it, we’re seeing the smiling faces of the celebrities we just learned essentially nothing about in all of the countless magazine covers, stories and interviews they appeared in, only this time the celebrities we love so much and simply cannot get enough of are attached to designer labels, as they glide down the red carpet at their premieres. And finally, the big day arrives and you’re standing in line at your local movie theater and you’re excited to finally see this movie you’ve been hearing about for months on end. And sadly, a lot of times it sucks and you’re walking out of the movie theater an hour and a half to two hours later wondering where that precious time just went and what else you could have been doing that would have been better than watching that movie; like maybe washing the dishes or getting a Pap test.
We know the runaround and this summer is, of course, no different. Summer 2010 holds many little gems we have been told, are currently being told, and will be told we must go see or we will positively die! But when you get right down to it, summer blockbusters are generally a dime a dozen; there are a few chick flicks, a few movies for the kids, a few action-packed thrillers, and in essence, they all have pretty much the same ingredients that go into a summer blockbuster–and yes, most of them suck. But I recently came across a movie that is due out July 9th that looks like it won’t suck; in fact, I’m pretty excited about it.
Lisa Cholodenko’s The Kids Are All Right was a major success at Sundance and looks so promising that of course, I knew right away that it would not receive the amount of recognition that it most likely profoundly deserves. And what initially made me think it was a promising piece of work? It got the thumbs up from Women & Hollywood, the same blog that pumped me up and proved to be exactly right when it came to the film Sunshine Cleaning, and it also garnered a rundown of promising qualities from Jezebel.
The Kids Are All Right is a film that took seven years to finish, although its timing could not be better with the topic of same-sex marriage still very much on the minds of politicians and their critics across the country. The film stars Julianne Moore and Annette Bening in a refreshingly real, undeniably human (and yes, lesbian) marriage as they parent their two teenage children.
From the trailer alone, because I am not special and do not get to see it before it is released, there are a great deal of obvious warm and fuzzy moments that are a real treat to see being put in a film that could be for the masses–if only Hollywood would let it.
First of all, Julianne Moore and Annette Bening are amazing actors. They are both phenomenal women with impressive bodies of work who seem to jive and play off of each other very well. There is humor and quirkiness and real obstacles that long-time married folk find themselves in at some point or another.
In this case, their family is thrown through a loop when the eldest of the children, played by Mia Wasikowska from Tim Burton’s recent Alice in Wonderland, has just turned 18 and now as a legal adult, possesses the power to find out more about the sperm donor who helped to create her and her younger brother Laser; no I am not kidding. So she calls the sperm bank to find out more about this guy, played by Mark Ruffalo, and then after the kids meet him, they want to spend time with him, get to know him and, from what I have gathered, propel him into the role of ‘father’. And that is where the conflict comes in–Annette Bening’s character, Nic, feels like she and her partner aren’t enough for their children.
There are, of course, parts of the trailer that kind of make my stomach lurch in terms of ‘Yes, we know this is a story about a lesbian marriage and we know that they are lesbians, and oh yeah, lesbians‘ but that doesn’t take anything away from what looks to be a great journey in this coming-of-age story.
So hello summer movie that I am actually excited about. Of course, this movie is only being released in select theaters and seeing as how I live in the Middle of Nowhere, it will most likely not make it to a theater near me, leaving me very eager for the day it is released on DVD so I can go pick it up. I’ll let you know how the movie as a whole pans out for me and hopefully it’s worth the hype we’re seeing across the woman-written blogosphere.
Don’t Bring Your Sex Positivity to Your Blog — If You Want a Few Bucks for Your Hard Work
Menstrual Poetry, as you see it now, has been active since December 12th, 2007. Before then, it served primarily as a collective of random, angsty teenage poetry that I had accumulated over the years and wanted to stick somewhere because hey, all the cool kids were doing it. Menstrual Poetry started out as yet another domain I bought yet didn’t know exactly what I was going to do with. I have had several domains over the years, because that’s just what happens when you’ve been part of the “blogosphere” for ten years, but this is the one that I ultimately stuck with and through the years, I turned it into what it is now.
This website isn’t merely a hub of information; there are websites out there dedicated to merely being information hubs–and a lot of them make a damn good living doing it. Menstrual Poetry however, is personal and it always has been. Instead of merely posting about whatever the “breaking news” in the world is with a one-sentence description of what I’m quoting so I can feel like I wrote something meaningful for the day, I have always chosen to make this more of a personal space. That’s probably also the reason why I haven’t had the same amount of time I once had to dedicate to it. Sure, you can find a lot of information here, but you won’t find it without somewhere around 500 words at the very least about what I think about the topic at hand. I choose not to post about something unless I feel as if I have something meaningful to say about it or something of substance to add to the already on-going conversation. What can I say, I like to rant and I like to have a space where I can be myself and share just a small part of myself with anyone who chooses to read this website.
One topic I feel very strongly about, on a social issues level, as well as on a deeply personal level is sex-positivity. I have brought up the topic of sexuality as a whole, most frequently about church groups counseling women in porn and sex addiction only to come up with the conclusion that these groups are brainwashing women into believing that their sexuality in its entirety is shameful. I have posted information as well as a video review for Babeland’s not-so-recently-published but still very awesome book, Moregasm: Babeland’s Guide to Mind-Blowing Sex. I spread the word about Babeland donating 20% of their revenue throughout the month of April to Grist to celebrate Earth Day. Each of these three posts went over well and I felt that they were not only really informative and important, but I felt that they were also very much necessary.
Earlier this month, also known as the last time I blogged here, I wrote a review for Courtney Trouble’s Seven Minutes in Heaven 2: Tender Hearted. This post also went over well, which made me a happy little feminist blogger. Like I briefly stated in the beginning of the review, feminists have long been very much divided when it comes to porn and the sex industry as a whole. I don’t personally feel as if those who identify as feminist should be oppressing the very same people they claim to want to help. It feels very much like the pro-life debate when someone who identifies as pro-life states that bombing abortion clinics, killing doctors who perform abortions, nurses who help that doctor and the women who are there to see that doctor is what it takes to “help women” or “help fetuses.” To quote myself because I put it perfectly the first time–I don’t like that kind of negativity in my movement and I don’t like it being used to oppress my people.
Obviously, writing about Courtney Trouble’s Seven Minutes in Heaven 2 was something I felt very strongly about and I took it under careful consideration before posting it. I know that I have a pretty fabulous group of sexual assault survivors who frequent this website and because I’m considerate and know what it’s like to click over to a website only to become triggered by the content, I hid the entire review from the main page. Not only that, but I also hid the image accompanying the article and I included an adult/trigger warning in bold at the very top of the entire post because that’s just what it means to be considerate of the people who happen to stumble upon your space not knowing what, exactly, to expect. Everything above the fold was completely safe to read and you had to click over the jump in order to see the content. I figured that would be the best unspoken compromise I could have, considering that Courtney Trouble’s film is very much a woman-friendly, body-loving, feminist piece of work that I loved and felt compelled to share.
Luckily, I did not receive a comment, an email, Tweet, Facebook message, instant message, or anything else people use to communicate with me telling me that what I wrote was in any way inappropriate, misguided, offensive, or triggering. That is, until I received an email from my ad network.
Sex-Positivity
I'm passionate about sex-positivity and believe every sexual being should have the freedom to explore their sexuality safely and without condemnation. I even lost my ad network after my refusal to censor myself after reviewing feminist porn.So if you're in the market for sex toys, porn, books, etc. take a look at the retailers below, all of which are feminist-friendly.
Out Campaign
The OUT Campaign allows individuals to let others know they are not alone. It can also be a nice way of opening a conversation and help to demolish the negative stereotypes of atheists. Let the world know that we are not about to go away and that we are not going to allow those that would condemn us to push us into the shadows.
