I’ve seen this question pop up a few times within the feminist blogosphere; off the top of my head I know I’ve seen it addressed over at Greta Christina’s Blog. Professor Foxy has started posting over at Feministing not too long ago and she is a sex educator, dealing with questions on sex and sexuality and a question she answered today was from a feminist who likes being dominated in the bedroom.
Professor Foxy,
I’ve had submissive sexual fantasies since I was very young and it’s something that I’ve always found really difficult to come to terms with. I’m a very assertive and driven person in real life so it’s just really hard for me to accept how much I sexually enjoy giving up control and power.
I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for two years and we’ve experimented quite a bit with bondage and dominance play. It’s always incredibly arousing and fun for me. And he enjoys it too because he can tell how much it turns me on.
Intellectually I understand that these feelings are just a part of my sexuality and that they don’t have anything to do with who I am outside of the bedroom. But at the same time, every once in a while I just feel so ashamed and guilty. It’s hard to reconcile being a feminist with my strong sexual desire to submit. What can I do to accept my sexuality for what it is?
-Conflicted feminist
I was thrilled to see Professor Foxy’s response; it was completely spot on and as the comments are already indicating, a lot of women find themselves conflicted when it comes to their feminism and their sexuality so this is not new, but still something that women find themselves torn with themselves about.
Here’s the response:
Hi Conflicted -
A good step towards accepting your sexuality for what it is may be to unpack it a little bit more. I want to quote you back to you: I’m a very assertive and driven person in real life so it’s just really hard for me to accept how much I sexually enjoy giving up control and power.
I’m going to come back to the first part, but first let’s focus on the second part of the sentence: I sexually enjoy giving up control and power. YOU give up control and power. In the real world, power and control are taken from women in an effort to make them submissive. In your sex life, as convoluted as this may seem, you are in power because you make the choice to give up power. Your boyfriend (yay for him) engaged in this because you (still in power) asked him to engage. As much as the sex play is about you “giving up power,” in reality you are still the one in control.
A friend of mine is a strong, independent, assertive woman, who, like you, enjoys being submissive sexually, says it this way, “even when I am being submissive, I know that I am the one in power. I let the person dominate me, I set what can and cannot be done, and I can call a beginning and stop to the action.”
And now back to the beginning of your sentence “I’m a very assertive and driven person in real life.” Sex can be a healthy way of achieving balance in our lives. Acting out your submissive side (a side every person has) allows you to unwind and let go. We all need to have a place to act out all of our different sides and it looks like you have found a place to act out one of them.
I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences with this. Do your bedroom practices differ from your feminism, or more broadly, from the person you conduct yourself as out of the bedroom?
You can 
I'm a feminist, and your terminology makes it a sketchy question to answer. Like for you to assume that feminists are narrow. But I'll try to answer it anyways.
I think it's possible, but whether it is likely that “submissive” women are happy is still questionable. What I am more concerned about as a feminist is whether she decides to be submissive out of her own volition, thus making her content according to her own worldview. If that submissiveness is a choice, then bully. If a woman chooses to be and remain submissive, then there's no disputing that in my opinion.
“The one in power” lol wtf? Look… there is no reason to worry about “power” People are all alone in life and the power.. if any is that they are able to hold onto themselves inside.. then again. I am most likely incorrect about this. I think some feminists need to calm the fuck down about wanting power. How about this.. how about you understand that you always have power.. lets say you are feeling powerless.. grab a knife.. then you will usually win a battle against someone. Just a thought. The reply was posed in a way that makes me feel she wants to make sure to maintain superior power over the male. Seems a bit messed up.. why not be equals?
I can understand where Allen is coming from on this. My reply to the conflicted feminist's question would have included the word “trust.” Because when you think about it, THAT's what allows the woman to relax and experiment and relish a submissive role – because she knows she can say “stop” and her wishes will be heeded. What separates her boyfriend from some predator pervert? He is showing her respect. Because if we really care to get technical here, the only way most women are going to have full and complete control in the bedroom is if the man's handcuffed with a gun or taser trained on him. He is an autonomous being too with power in the situation. Control of the situation comes from a mutual agreement between partners which includes not causing harm beyond the other's comfort zone. That agreement is solidified with TRUST. Not control or power-mongering.
The reason I love being submissive with some of my partners is that it titillates me to experience the strength and passion in the man, feeling small and overtaken by his presence. What makes it enjoyable rather than nerve-wracking and scary is that I know he'll respect my boundaries and treat my body with care, even if we do decide to tease those boundaries from time to time. It's all about trust. Power-plays can be fun for kinky role-play, but outside of that I'd say it creates unnecessary destructive tensions in our romantic relationships. What's the point in competing with your partner like that?
Just love each other and enjoy your sex life. It shouldn't matter what other feminists or anyone else thinks about your personal romantic choices.
It is a very good post….
Wow, a feminist with a woman's needs!